I try not to let the sad part of my life have too much sway on here. I try to keep it focused on the happy things, the blessings in my life. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the heartbreak and pain that I can't see through it. I was doing okay until Sunday night when Bryce told me that "She" is moving in, in 2 weeks. I knew this would happen eventually. I just foolishly thought that he would have enough respect to wait until after the divorce. Wrong again. He then told me to "let him know if I have any problems with that." Seriously!?! Yeah, I have issues with that. I feel like this "woman" has swooped in and stolen my life. She can't wait to be a mother to MY kids! And the part that sucks is that there is nothing I can do about it. I have to let the boys love her and be excited to see her even though it rips out my heart. I have to accept that I have no control over what happens when the boys are down there for the weekends. I am literally living in a nightmare.
I don't know that I will ever understand why he has done this, why he has made these choices. It was just 2 1/2 weeks ago that I asked him one more time if he really wanted to go through with the divorce. I asked him to truly pray and look inside his heart. He told me that he had enjoyed most of our marriage, that he knows he messed up and quit on the marriage but that he has gone too far to want to come back. None of that makes any sense to me. But then again I have learned that hard way that I cannot trust anything he says. And that is another thing that bothers me, the people that do believe his lies that they have been "just friends" (even though I will probably never see any of those people again so it really shouldn't matter), or even worse, the people who know the truth of it and support Bryce in breaking up his family and have welcomed "Her" with open arms. Sometimes I just really want to scream.
I so badly want to be done with all of this pain, to be able to not let him hurt me any more. I have to be stronger than the way he has made me feel. While doing my training walk this morning, it hit me that I have to let him go, he belongs to her now (and in reality he has for the last 3 years). My counselor has told me this before, but it really surfaced in my heart today. I have to find a way to let him go but it is hard and it hurts and I don't know how to do it. But I have to do it so I can truly find happy again.
"You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me."
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me."
~James Blunt . . . Goodbye My Lover~
So here's to letting go, and to moving on straight through the pain.
